opinion

One month into the UK's new no smoking regime, and the unintended consequences for British clubbers have really got to our bear with a sore head Jacques Ettienne. We let him get it off his chest here, so that he doesn't have to go bothering those poor people at the council. read more...

opinion

I am not sure who proclaimed that Christmas shall officially start at the beginning of November, or when exactly this happened. But, like it or not, the festive season is already bearing down full upon us, heralded by Kerry Katona's freezer full of food from Iceland and her good tidings that you don't have to be "posh, rich or clever" to put on a great Christmas spread.

It would be nice if I had the moral backbone to resist the rallying calls of the consumerist mob, and could declare this place a Christmas-free zone at least until the beginning of December. But big old fat hypocrite that I am, here is our own round up of Christmas suggestions courtesy of the I want one of those catalogue which dropped through my door this morning.

Rule number one: if you are going to do Christmas, make sure you do it in style. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn't mean running up a credit card bill to last you until next Christmas, but rather drawing upon the exquiste taste you display the rest of the year when selecting a few choice accessories: quality over quantity. This Christmas Tree Poster (£12.99) for example is the perfect clutter-free post-modern complement to your minimalist haven. Meanwhile, the range of LED decorations and LED phasing star lights offer a glimpse of Christmas in the future, only not quite how Charles Dickens told it.

I am not sure why they had to wait until Christmas to launch these fibre optic Twilight Umbrellas (£19.95), as if you ask me they have got festival season written all over them: the perfect thing to lend a bit of cheer to a rainy Glastonbury evening, or just to ensure you are seen on cold winters night if you can't wait that long to use one.

Finally, I hope for your sake that you don't have the misfortune of knowing any of the tragic yuppie dog owners for whom this Fetch Stick (£3.99) is designed. Why get your hands dirty using a free "bug ridden sodden bit of wood" when you can throw this plastic imitation for your little prince instead? Why not do away with nature altogether for that matter, and make a squeaky replica in plastic? The real thing is just so icky...

opinion

Every month the good residents of London are updated with news from Mayor of London Ken Livingstone by means of The Londoner - the (publicly funded) free monthly rag filled with tales of the good job that old Ken is doing - and this month's edition is a case in point. read more...

opinion

I used to think that the 'give a goat for Christmas' style present was the worst kind of present you can give someone. Whilst it is all very good and proper that lots of money goes to charity, it is what the giver is saying with this type of gift that bothers me: "Look how good and ethical I am, giving money to charity in your name - you don't need any new stuff anyway, unless you are a selfish shit!".

But I just checked out the full range of truly imaginative 'good gifts' on the Good Gifts website - a whole bunch of fun stuff which would certainly bring a smile to the recipients face. Why would anyone want a goat, when you could give them an endangered vegetable, retirement for an old dog, a whole meadow of flowers, help to avert the chocolate crisis or a kalashnikov (to be converted into farm implements)?

If someone helped me protect a sloths natural habitat or bought some monkeys some new ropes, I would be over the moon. And I know someone else who'd prefer to feed a rat above any material goods you could possibly get them...

So the message is, unless you can find something fun amongst the good gifts selection which would really mean something to the recipient, give some of your own money to the charity and buy your poor friend a proper present.

opinion

In a bid to curb the mountains of junkmail addressed to the old tenants that drops through our door in an average week, I ruthlessly scrawl 'return to sender' on everything, and drop it back in the post box. And six months on, by now most people seem to have got the message.

All but repeat offender Oxfam, that is. Not only do they send out a lot of mailshots for a charity (I'd estimate about one every couple of months), but despite returning every single one of the envelopes addressed to the person who lived here before me, still the misguided packages and crappy wrist bands keep on coming.

It doesn't exactly fill you with confidence that your donations to the charity will be well spent if they seem so doggedly determined to waste money on unwanted mailshots. Some people just can't take a hint, can they?

opinion

Christmas is the time to spare a thought for all those people around the world less fortunate than ourselves. Well this Christmas my thoughts go out to all the poor kids across London with organic-freak posh hippies for parents.

As an occasional customer of the Organic Delivery Company, this morning their Christmas promotional leaflet dropped through our letterbox, and ever since reading it I haven't been able to stop thinking about the poor children of whoever is behind it.

"I always pop a packet of organic dried mango and brazil nuts into my son's stocking," they write. "A real treat!".

The poor bastard. I'm seriously thinking about sending a junk food parcel for the son care of the Organic Delivery Company's offices.

And while we're at it, we should probably also spare a thought for all those poor darlings whose Santa shops at Habitat...

opinion

The government is due to debate a possible replacement for Britain's nuclear weapons system, Trident, this parliament. Now is the time to make your voice heard - no to Trident - no to Trident replacement! - in this Saturday's Oxford rally (2pm, Broad Street), as supported by 18 local peace, anti-nuclear and campaigning organisations. read more...

opinion

Planting trees is the new Rock'n'Roll, with popstars from Dido and David Gray to the Foo Fighters, Massive Attack and Wheatus queueing up to offset the carbon produced by their music activities by planting trees. Private company Future Forests have been the planters of choice for most of the celebrity tree endorsers, but there is more than one way to plant a tree, as they say. We assess the tree value for money rating of four conscience-salving tree schemes. read more...

opinion

Central East London is preparing itself for a storm of controversy this week. It is not the uncharacteristic snow storms, battering down on ironically attired androgynous youths that are causing a worry, but a medieval-like battle with New Cross over buzz words and territory.

The cocaine snorting creatives of Old Street are not happy with claims that New Cross is the new New York, so they have launched their own viral marketing campaign. As ludicrous as claims that they invented the question mark, they now claim that Old Street is the old Old.

Old is a small town in Northamptonshire in which nothing of interest happens. By claiming that Old Street is the precursor to this small country town, the residents of Old Street are hoping that they can align themselves with "Old England" values such as shooting, fishing and hunting.

The fashion buzz on the street at the moment is "country grime", which includes ripped expensive jeans with grass stains, jodphurs, wellington boots or other country items of clothing sourced from convincing "city farmer markets".

opinion

Cafod are the latest charity to send me begging letters through the post, along with the novel promotional gimmick of a "blueprint" telling you how the charity build water filters for people in developing countries using old storage drums and sand, charcoal and gravel. But as commendable as Cafod's work in the Third World is, this particular free gift is not about to make me give them all my money - in actual fact it has had precisely the opposite effect. read more...